ATONEMENT

“I don’t go to that territory anymore yet I see its falling bricks every day.
They hit me like a fresh wound each time, exacting a cruel retribution,
When again the existentialist finds his senses wanderlust in the lost realm,
Shadows emerge from corners and voices try to add to the chaos.
I try to walk away but thoughts prefer to embrace the atonement,
In ruins of life, when pain finds itself in shambles, like it had never spoken.”

ATONEMENT

©SantoshChaubey

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WAS IT LOVE?

A night of endless hesitations
Perplexing and reassuring both
In some moments
We would come together
Living the years between us
But the fear then would creep in
Reminding us of the void
That had sent us apart
I would often ask
Why it had to go this way
I can’t say about you
But your eyes speak the same
Was it love?
Well, we never spoke about
But I did care
About even smallest things
Life was building
Like a nest so delicate
Yet so vulnerable
That I had left everything else
To weave its wings
I still fly with it
And it was same that night
Expectations?
Well, I never had them
But it really helped
To see you flying as well

©SantoshChaubey

SOMETIMES, YOU JUST NEED TO WANDER IN A LOST REALM

Sometimes, you just need to walk away
Withdraw even from your days that make you
To sit in the cradle of nowhere and its voids
Where you can feel you are lost
Free from the hangovers of why it happened so
Where questioning things becomes immaterial
Because even answers lose relevance at times
You feel you just don’t want to listen to
Even if silence has been speaking all along
You go so deep inside a bottomless chasm
Where all melt, your identities and questions
And you just flow in an aimless direction
Feeling nothing of everything and such emotions
Of relations, of existences, of illusions
As if they have ceased to exist
And you just feel like staying there
Not knowing if you need to go back
Sometimes, you just need to withdraw
And need to wander in a lost realm
Feeling nothing to make sense again, like yesterday
Trying to feel if tomorrow really matters

©SantoshChaubey

EVEN IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE PURE IN YOUR HEART

You were never right to say it wasn’t wrong
You were never wrong to feel something was amiss
Coz you never realized which side you were
Coz you never realized where you belonged
Until words became too hollow to hold any further
It was always a square or a circle with trapeze
And not the straight line you had in your mind
It remained elusive
You chose to speak your mind to coexist
And that was your innocence,
When you thought life will come around
But it was selfish when life chose to go otherwise
You remained there, with your world
That you so honestly tried to create
But life was seldom there
And whenever it chose to spend a period with you
It was always sought something in return
That you had so soulfully nurtured
And it took away all, one by one, like a disloyal partner
It would always seek more, even if you were left broken
When you were betrayed
It didn’t have even the false assurances
When you were left alone
It pushed you more into a chasm of no end
When you felt lost
It tried even to mislead you into the wilderness
You did not see it all then
You were never right about it
But then how can your innocence be wrong?
All it did was seeing the life in a right perspective
You thought it was always a straight line to coexist
Even if the journey was always rough
The friction
That defines your existence was always there
Where would we be without friction in our life?
But all this while,
Life was busy encircling you in its tentacles
Of false ideas, of false relations, of false existences
You were taught, you were preached
To blame yourself first, to find fault with yourself first
Even if you knew you were pure in your heart
Such was the mirror
That you would go with such absurdities
When you had decided to open yourself to life,
A mutual coexistence was in your mind
But after all these years,
You find life did all to throw you into a lonely abyss
Now that you can see through its designs,
Knowing that a part of you has been co-opted,
You need to be existentially right to come out of illusions
You need your straight line, more than ever..

YOU WERE NEVER RIGHT TO SAY IT WASN’T WRONG

©SantoshChaubey

IT WAS A SCEPTICAL SMILE..

It was a sceptical smile
Not sure of
Whether to go for it
Or let it pass just like that
Life so far
Had been a tale
Inked and sung
But with long pauses as well
When sentiments betrayed
And trust was treaded
The colour was so dark
That it took years
To get to that hinge
To see through the layers
Of life and of living
Yes, smile is liberated again
But scars remain
Reminding of that darkness
And of duplicities
Life inks its tales again
And look for stories
But layers desist pauses now
And when you came here
Promising to stay
It questioned more
Than healing those scars
It’s probably not your fault
But it’s not even mine

©/IPR: Santosh Chaubey – https://santoshchaubey.wordpress.com/

‘LET’S DO IT’ WAS A PLEDGE..

‘Let’s do it’ the other day you had decided
When you were left haunted and aggrieved
Pulled down by life’s routine and its uncertainties
Even if still in company of your rebel oddities
The other day when it had climaxed for you
The cacophony and a spilled over moronic virtue
The layers had suddenly lost their identities
Living was being held ransom to vague necessities
The other day when you had found yourself trapped
Into a dark alley of nihilism, and totally gagged
Your voice was lost into voids of nothingness
Your thoughts failed to speak from that mess
The other day when sense had sucked sensibility
And you were in desperate need of some brevity
To breathe free, to see why it had come to this
‘Let’s do it’ was a pledge by a life held in this abyss

Solitary Collage

‘LET’S DO IT’ WAS A PLEDGE..

©/IPR: Santosh Chaubey – https://santoshchaubey.wordpress.com/

THAT YOUR KIDS ARE NOT JUST YOUR KIDS ANYMORE..

Children
You don’t know
When they grow-up
And start talking
As if
It is their own sky
With its own blue
And a hue
That, sometimes
Makes you feel
Alienated
Your kids
The pivot of your life
Suddenly start moving
In directions
You never sanctioned
Leaving you hinged
To the point
That still stays around
To that pivot only
Time for you to grow-up
To reconcile with changes
To tag along with life
To try and understand
Meanings you don’t see
To persist with the space
Your children demand
You need to understand
That, some day
You had given them life
That, for some years
They meant life for you
But not anymore
Grow-up and realize
That your kids are not
Just your kids anymore
They have a life
Where you may exist
But within your space

©/IPR: Santosh Chaubey – https://santoshchaubey.wordpress.com/

IS A LIFE I SEEK..

Sometimes, I feel suffocated
And want to run away
But I don’t know the end
Even if I ask
Horizon is a mirage
That calls me in such moments
I want to be there
Even if I know it is not there
Time plays with me, sometime
Aggravating with questions
I had left seeking answers for
Sometimes, I feel so numb
To response to the excesses
That I let them pass
Going deeper inside
Not seeking many ‘whys’
Sometimes, I feel lost
By the maze life comes with
And I desperately look for
The way out
To a path, to any path
Hoping it will take me
To the horizon
Yes, it’s been a mirage so far
But the journey to it
Has been the way ahead
Because I know
Going beyond the end
Is a life I seek..
Beyond this numbness
Beyond the questions behind it

©/IPR: Santosh Chaubey – https://santoshchaubey.wordpress.com/

MY SPRING IS STILL COLD

It’s Spring already                                                                                                   
But I don’t see colours
The landscape is white
The joy is shadowed
And bereft of love
It’s still biting winter

The springtime is here
But bereft of love                                                            
Its yellow is blanching
And in its still shadow
Time has remained
Frozen by a rigid frost

Where is the warmth?
Where did the love go?
Who stole colours?
Who betrayed my Spring?
Teasing me, from depths
The cheerful winter asks

Questions linger
Answers cry to deceive
Memories refuse to leave
Again in a Spring
Robbed of its beauty
Bereft of its love

In the season’s dew
Missing its yellow Hue
My Spring is still cold
And bereft of love
In the wintry dew
The air is now restless

©/IPR: Santosh Chaubey–https://santoshchaubey.wordpress.com/

THE ONLY PERFECTION WAS..THE MASK..

THE POETIC EXPERIMENT

The thought randomly came to me while watching a movie (Jim Carrey’s ‘Yes Man’ here) though it had nothing to do with the movie, its plot or other elements.

My thoughts spoke to me that I randomly write down some words spoken by the characters and try to weave a poem around them. I loved the thought and randomly picked up these words during the 30 minutes I watched the movie.

The words were: covenant, molehill, weird, deserve, dicey, beautiful, promise, perfect, amazing, stroll

Another 30 minutes of my late night hours (or early morning hours for most of the folks) came up with these lines. While trying to write a poem around these words, I treated the words as neutral, independent entities free from the context of the movie. After finishing with these words, I felt good and decided I would make this ‘poetic experiment’ a regular practice.

This is the output of my first randomly thought ‘poetic experiment’:

THE ONLY PERFECTION WAS THE MASK..

The covenant done,
They looked through each other,
With a weird perception,
They thought they deserved..

In their beautiful world,
The premises remained dicey
It was amazing the way,
The duplicitous promises stayed..

The only perfection was..the mask,
To betray the promises
Yes, the stroll up the molehill,
Had the conscience killed yesterday..

©/IPR: Santosh Chaubey – https://santoshchaubey.wordpress.com/